tv The Daily Show Comedy Central January 25, 2018 11:00pm-11:31pm PST
>> it's the season of welding attire. >> all: boo. >> pretty sure that was just a brulee torch. all right, have fun solving this week's dirty word jumble. good night! >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome to "the daily show," everybody! thank you so much for tuning in! i'm trevor noah. thank you, everybody! thank you! tonight's guest, the president of planned parenthood, cecile richards is here, everybody!
( cheers and applause ) but first, big news out of china. >> a major scientific breakthrough reported globally tonight for the first time scientists in china have cloned two healthy monkeys. >> these two female monkeys are seven and eight weeks old and represent the next big step in cloning. >> this is the first time primates have been cloned. the chinese scientists say they have no intention of cloning humans. >> trevor: really? ( laughter ) making duplicate monkeys? that's how committed china is to producing cheap knockoffs? ( laughter ) they're infringing on god's copyright? really? ( laughter ) by the way, i love how the scientists say they have "no intention of cloning humans." that is such a suspicious phrase. like if your friend said i have no intention of going home, taking a bubble bath and sticking the rubber ducky up my butt. you will be listening to hear if
he squeaks, you know you are. ( laughter ) i don't want scientists to clone humans. it brings up messy questions about personhood, the soul, clone rights, it's too much. you agree with me, don't you, cameraman tony? what? yeah, i don't like clones. something i like about that guy. let's move on to our main story. last night, president trump flew out on air force one to join the world economic forum in davos, switzerland. >> just before taking off to davos president trump held yesterday an impromptu news conference telling reporters that, in fact, he is willing to answer questions about the russia investigation from special counsel robert mueller even under oath. >> are you going to talk to mueller? >> i'm looking forward to it, actually. >> to reach a higher standard, you would do it under oath? >> oh, i would do it under oath, absolutely. >> trevor: wow! donald trump says he will
testify with mueller under oath? and he says it just before he gets on a plane to switzerland? man, that guy knows how to leave us with a cliffhanger! ( laughter ) one day he will be, like, before i go, big news, i'm pregnant! bye-bye! ( laughter ) the reason trump's promised to testify under oath is such big news is because the mueller investigation is beginning to heat uh up. not only has he indicted four of trump's campaign officials, last week he questioned trump's personal elf jeff sessions. while mueller is investigating trump, republicans have decided to investigate the investigation. >> it may be time to declare war outright against the deep state and clear out the rot in the upper levels of the f.b.i. and the justice department. >> the mueller investigation is just kind of spun out of control. >> since he was appointed, he's bad news. he's out for a scalp. he would love to get trump's scalp. >> the attorney general needs to do his job and end this witch hunt charade. >> his team of partisan
democratic donors need to be disbanded and their witch hunt needs to be shut down immediately. >> trevor: a witch hunt? damn! that's a strong accusation. although i guess if you asked republicans, hey, how do you know this is a witch hunt, they would be, like, oh, because we did this shit to hillary for years. game recognize game, baby. ( applause ) for almost the beginning of the investigation, republicans have tried to find any reason to discredit special counsel robert mueller. he was friends with comby. people on his team donated money to hillary. he thought the best part of the jed die was when princess leia flew through space. all kinds of ideas. now they're focusing on a group of text messages sent but someone on mueller' team. >> controversial texts have led to a barrage of crittism, republicans are all but accusing the f.b.i. of engaging in a conspiracy.
>> highly vote the text messages. struck calling candidate trump an idiot. page saying she couldn't believe he was serious candidate for president. >> trevor: i kind of understand what the republicans are saying. if someone thinks trump is an idiot, you don't want that person investigating him. on the other hand, if you don't think trump's an idiot, then you're the idiot. like, we don't want an idiot in charge of an investigation. we'll find him eating the evidence. we finally found trump's tax returns! ahhh! no! no! and like let's not pretend i'm hating on president trump. i'm just saying what republicans are thinking and saying. >> rex tillerson had called donald trump a moron. >> one staffer said working with trump was like trying to figure out what a child wants. others inside white house thought he was no more than semi-literate. >> for steve mnuchin and reince priebus, he was an idiot, for gary cohn, he was dumb as -- for
h.r. mcmaster, he was a dope. >> i think he's a cook. i think he's crazy. >> someone who thinks the nuclear triad is a rock band from the 1980s. >> oh, yeah. >> trevor: see, even republicans think trump is an idiot. jeb's campaign slogan was literally trump's an idiot, please clap. ( applause ) so an f.b.i. eight calling trump and idiot wasn't the bombshell some hoped for. this week more texts emerged between f.b.i. staffs and for many conspiracy theorists christmas came early. >> one of the texts according to republicans who reviewed them discussed these two individuals talking about a secret society on the day after trump's election. >> trevor: that was lisa page's text! she said that we need to be able to get together and have our secret society meeting. >> of course, i'm going to want to know what secret society are you talking about. >> let me see the text. they used that.
the first meeting to have the secret society. not my words, it's theirs into the f.b.i. has a secret society that they call "the secret society"? that's really sinister and a little obvious. ( laughter ) i mean, calling your secret society the secret society is a weird way to keep a secret. that would be like if batman's real name was bruce batman. hey, bruce! are you related to batman? never heard of him! what's the suit in the background? it's a sex thing. ( laughter ) , like, if you're in a secret society that controls the world, you would give it a boring name like world economic forum and hold meetings in a swiss mountain resort like a super villain. that's what i would do. ( laughter ) one development in the story you have to admit seems a little suspicious. >> during the department of justices investigation into strzok, it found texts were missing between december 14, 2016 and may 17, 2017.
those dates span the presidential transition and the day robert mueller was appointed. the f.b.i. blames software and technical issues saying employees with many samsung 5 mobile devices did not capture texts during that time. >> trevor: you see, that's weird. you're telling me that all the f.b.i.'s phones just happened to glitch out in the period under investigation? and guys, these were samsung phones. when they don't blow up, they're very reliable. ( laughter ) so you may want to dismiss this whole f.b.i. conspiracy as republican fan fiction, but for a change, maybe we should look at it from their point of view. give me music and lights from a trump supporter's point of view, please. ( eerie music ) think about it -- f.b.i. agents investigating trump were also calling him an idiot. how did they know? ( laughter ) and if there's no plot against the president here, then why would they have a secret
society? >> abc news obtain one of those messages overnight. page bringing to struck, are you even going to give out your calendars? seems kind of depressing. maybe it should just be the first meeting to have the secret society. sources tell abc news the two had a personal relationship, so the messages reference to a secret society may have been in jest. >> we are now learning this was all apparently a gag gift or a joke between friends. >> trevor: wait, wait, wait, wait, wait -- you want me to believe that friends just text each other jokes? ( laughter ) that's not like any relationship i've ever had. and even if it was a joke, isn't it suspicious the so-called department of justice lost all those texts never to be found again? >> breaking news. the department of justice now says it has recovered those missing text messages. >> trevor: ah! that's not what i was expecting, but still, you know what, turn the lights back up -- look,
people. we all know what's happening here. republicans are just trying to discredit the f.b.i. and the justice department as much as possible so that when robert mueller comes out with his findings, you will see them -- in a different light. ( laughter ) we'll be right back ( cheers and applause ) tens of millions of people have switched to unlimited on the network ranked highest in network quality performance nationwide by j.d. power. verizon? whoa, whoa! w-wait. hold it! heh heh. look at that. (vo) switch to the best unlimited on the most awarded network. and now buy select smartphones and get one free.
( cheers and applause ) as we mentioned, this week is the davos world economic forum, a gathering of the world's most wealthy and distinguished people, and donald trump. ( laughter ) while he's there, president trump is doing interviews with crn, cnbc and pierce on fo. he hasn't set down with another news network than fox since last may. if you had sex during that interview, the baby could have been born right now to very weird parents because why did you have sex to a trump-lester holt interview? ( laughter ) so there's a lot of pressure on these non-fox journalists. how can they make sure trump keeps giving them interviews? desi lydic has more in her new segment journalism-me. ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> there are certain achievements every journalist aspires to -- like breaking a
big story, winning a pulitzer or canceling dinner with wolf blitzer at the last minute. the fun part is waiting outside so you still get to see his face. but the dream for any journalist is landing an interview with the president, and that's something that, right now, fox news is indisputably the best at with nearly four times as many presidential interviews as all the other big tv news organizations combined. so how did the men and women of fox score so many sitdowns with the potus? i've studied every interview, and it comes down to a few basic rules. what the (bleep)? get the (bleep) out of my shot. get out! as a journalist, you might think your job is to hold the president accountable, but this isn't "the post" and you're not tom hanks -- unless you are tom hanks, in which case, hey, big fan. the point is, if you want the president to let you ask questions, you've got to take a -- softer approach. >> the media, pretty vicious.
not just to you but your family. how do you process that? >> are you getting the credit for this economic revival? >> how frustrating is it to have former president obama out there leading the resistance? >> you're one of the most loved and respected. >> i would say that, also. >> in history. how does that feel? >> are you having fun in this job? >> so house of your week? >> what a nice change from all the unfair, fake news "gotcha" questions, like what's your infrastructure plan, can we see your tax returns? and please take your penis off the constitution. it's not a question, but they do say that. next up, positive reinforcement. obviously the president is always right, but he needs to know that you know that. flattery is key. >> you guys want to start good news? ( cheering ) you don't get a lot of good news in the media. >> well, you don't get so much. >> if i may say, you are as everything was advertised as you ran for president and i
appreciate everything you're doing. >> your ability, your successes, all of the things that you can talk about for two hours here -- >> i like the fact that you're impatient for change. >> right over there is your hotel. >> yeah, that's right. isn't that beautiful? isn't that beautiful? >> it's a beautiful hotel. >> look at your hotel! man, it's hot out here! do you have any trump brand water? never mind, i have some in my ivanka trump handbag next to my don, jr. brand douche ( laughter ) land ago job as president trump is easy. don't take my word for it, i got my own exclusive sitdown with the big man himself. thank you so much for taking time out of your busy schedule, mr. president. how are you doing? >> great. tremendous. >> good. let's get right into these questions we gave you ahead of time. >> outstanding. >> mr. president, we know you're awesome, but just how awesome are you?
>> one of the greatest in the history of our country, and we are setting record after record, day after day -- >> and you're not getting enough credit for it. >> no, i'm not getting enough credit for it. >> you are such a good president. i mean, america should just end after you. mic drop, it's over, folks, never getting better, kim yourselves. >> i don't think i've ever seen anything quite like it. >> best president says what? >> what. >> exactly, boom! whoo! look at those bear claws! man! you know, makes you wonder why are people so mean to you, you know? it's not fair. it makes me just so -- angry! >> well, i think the press is fake. >> toast. >> a lot of the media is fake. >> bingo. >> fake and phony. >> yahtzee! "what the actual fact" -- smoke weed every day! ( laughter ) luckily, i brought a little surprise pore you. your favorite, quarter pounder with cheese, filet of fish, two
apple pies a and a 12-piece bucket of kfc. >> i love it. >> and i love you. >> let me tell you, the only one that matters is me. i'm the only one that matters. >> mr. president, i have to say, thank you so much for your time. i almost forgot about your happy meal toy. it's a truck! rrrrr! >> thank you. >> no. thank you. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. >> trevor: desi lydic, everyone. we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ smooth yogurt non-greek from chobani directv has been rated number one in customer satisfaction over cable for 17 years running. but some people still like cable. just like some people like pre-shaken sodas.
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>> trevor: ( cheers and applause ) welcome back to "the daily show." my guest tonight is a leading women's rights advocate and president of planned parenthood and the planned parenthood action fund. please welcome cecile richards! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: welcome back to the show. >> thank you. nice audience. >> trevor: amazing audience. ( cheers and applause ) >> wow. >> trevor: yeah. i have the best crowds. >> the biggest crowds. >> trevor: all the biggest. but they won't show my audience. show them now. show my audience. they won't show them. ( cheers and applause ) donald trump decided to be the
first president to make a visual appearance at the march for life. could you play this clip? >> right now in a number of states, the laws allow a baby to be born from his or her mother's womb in the ninth month. it is wrong, it has to change. ( laughter ) >> trevor: this is -- >> it's shocking. >> trevor: it's uncomfortable to ask. but is it true, are babies being born from their mother's womb? >> the shocking thing is it's been happening for centuries. and -- >> trevor: i mean, he says this. i honestly don't believe he cares which is why he didn't even notice he said it. but this is a rumor that you hear all the time that abortions are happening at nine months. where is this happening and where is this information coming from? >> i don't know where he gets his information. it's absolutely not happening. i think it's -- look, i think this is a classic example of the
danger of having people in office, particularly people who can not get pregnant themselves making decisions about women's bodies and their lives. ( cheers and applause ) and we're at the lowest abortion rate since roe was decided in large part because women are getting better access to family planning and birth control and a lot of that at planned parenthood. >> trevor: the women's march, one of the biggest gatherings held in las vegas. planned parenthood was there, you were there. this year seemed to have a shift in a focus. if last year was about mobilizing people to march and to voice their concerns, this year seemed like it was about getting people out to do now, women to move into political positions, women running for office. you had remarks that were really powerful for me. you said, in your remarks about going out to vote, that white women need to be better. white women specifically need to be better to black women. what did that mean? ( applause ) >> well, i think -- yeah. well, i would love to
actually -- where it began, i think it is really important as a factual matter for folks to know is that women of color in this country are the most reliable voters. they show up to vote and when they do vote, they vote for people who support women's health and rights. and that is just something that is really important. ( applause ) and, so, my point in saying that is, one, to give credit where credit is due and to invest in women as activists and leaders. the rest of us need to do more. i just heard today 30,000 women asked emily's list to get training to run for office. >> trevor: wow. >> that is historic. ( applause ) >> trevor: and, so, i do think it's important, though. if women -- you know, if they register folks, if they educate them about what's at stake in elections or show up at the polls, women will absolutely dominate in the november '18 elections and it's about time. >> trevor: with something that is so crucial, with the time that feels so crucial, we can't
help notice there will be reports that come out, buzz feed, politico, cecile richards stepping down from planned parenthood, is now the time to step down? does this feel like the time to step away when everything is mobilizing? >> i'm not here to make any big announcements or pronouncements today. planned parenthood has never been a more important organization and i have -- every day i'm president of this organization, i have been doing it for 12 years, i see the difference wemake in people's lives. it's an honor of a lifetime is that could you see yourself working to get into office in some way? >> i don't know what my future holds, but i do know that i have been fortunate to be kind of a troublemaker my whole life. i was raised by a troublemaker. the late, great governor of texas ann richards. ( cheers and applause ) as my friend congressman john lewis would say, good trouble, i hope. >> trevor: yes. >> so whatever i do in my lifetime i've always been incredibly privileged to be able to, i hope, make a difference in
the lives of folks who may just need a break, and, so, that's my hope. that's my hope for my future. >> trevor: i wish you the best of luck. >> thank you. good to see you. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: cecile's memoir, "make trouble: standing up, speaking out, and finding the courage to lead." will be out there spring. cecile richards, everybody. we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause )
we just sang our song. real bourbon, no apologies. wild turkey. it'll find you. school. i think it's time we mixed things up. (crunching sounds) oh yeah, in your face! and in conclusion, cats. (laughter) four flavors, four shapes. cheetos xtra cheezy mixups. ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: that's our show for
tonight. stay tuned. "the opposition" with jordan klepper is coming up next. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> i have tremendous respect for the prime minister and the job she's doing, and i think the feeling is mutual from the standpoint of liking each other a lot. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ a (applause). >> jordan: guys, guys, they are coming for what we love, they're coming for what we love. opposers, you know the date, january 25th, merry january-xmas month. my opponent, ted lieu, yes, don't worry, i will ta